My counselling certificate course on Udemy has now reached a whopping 8 Countries around the World!!!
To celebrate, I’m offering my course for the amazing price of £9.99 but hurry! It’s only for 5 days!!!
Use this link to qualify…
Tag: Teenagers
Anger – 5 Things you need to know!
I know I’ve talked many times about anger but it remains one of the most popular issues faced by my clients.
For this reason, I’ve decided to give you a re-boot, re-fresh, whatever you care to call it with my top 5 things you should know about anger. Here goes…
- Anger is a physical reaction to a thought or feeling. It is NOT an emotion. When we say we “feel” angry we are feeling the physical effects of anger, such as clenching fists, headache, clenched stomach and a general need to “fight or flight”. The single best way to deal with this reaction (which is the same as the anxiety reaction) is to BREATHE!!!! Oxygen helps to dilute the hormones that our body has created and helps it to return to normal levels. See my post on breathing techniques here
- Anger often comes from a lack of control somewhere in our life. We feel that we are unable to change something and this often makes us feel stuck which can lead to an anger reaction. An example may be where we allow a person or situation to really “get to us” (note the wording here, because we have control as you’ll see later). Address areas of your life where you find yourself getting angry – try and write down what’s bugging you and spend some time analysing why you feel the way you do – don’t forget to be really honest!!
- As mentioned before, we are ultimately in control of our own anger. Our anger belongs to US because we create it! Blaming others only serves to re-enforce angry outbursts. This is perhaps the only golden rule of anger if we truly wish to manage it. Until we take responsibility for our anger, it will always be something we are at the mercy of. Take control today by accepting responsibility for your own anger.
- Get to know your anger – keep an “anger” diary for 7 days and note when you became angry. Make sure you add as much detail as you can such as time, place, who you were with, had you eaten, etc. After 7 days, track back over the listings and see if you can find any patterns. You may also want to look for key situations, times etc. so you can build a picture.
- Remember that anger is GOOD when used as a force for good! We only have to think about campaigns like #BeKind #BlackLivesMatter #MeToo to see that anger, when directed, can be a powerful tool for change. Don’t try to chase your anger away, it’s better to acknowledge it and make friends with it. This way it can be your assertive ally rather than your destructive enemy.
For more about Anger, why not try my short course for just £9.99. You can use it for yourself or as a coaching tool when working with others.
Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, walking and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here
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All Hail Gen-Covid19
After a long, enforced break, I’m (sort of) trying to get back to my normal job of counselling young adults with very mixed results!
Interestingly enough, said teens and young adults don’t seem at all phased by the Global pandemic much beyond the boring few weeks of lockdown where they were unable to see friends in person, forced to stay at home with equally boring parents with nothing to do except eat, watch TV and enjoy the unseasonably good sunshine! (Bummer!)
In most cases, the 6 month gap felt more like 6 days with most picking up where they left off.
This got me thinking…
Have we created too much support for young adults?
Do they automatically seek out support as an easy option instead of solving the problem?
Are parents who are struggling to cope, expecting schools to pick up the miracle working where they left off?
Furthermore, I like to muse on the theory that this situation will create a league of superheroes the like of which we have not seen for a generation
The Corona-Heroes! The extraordinary young adults who, despite missing 6 months of formal education managed to… dare I say it…not only survive but THRIVE!
No, perish the thought!
Sorry, I’ll be back to doom and gloom normal after a brief look at the News
Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, walking and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here
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You don’t know what you don’t know…
Attachment-Do we really have a generation of Velcro kids?
Having a little DejaVu? – and an announcement…
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If the Mountain can’t come to Me…
In these trying times, we are overwhelmed with stories of hope and triumph against all the odds which I love.
We are also painfully aware that this is not the case for everyone and many people are struggling with real issues!
I’m trying to bring some helpful counselling hints and tips into your space in as many ways as possible.
Check out my Bitesized Help and also my YouTube Channel where I’m trying to address as many of the problems that we may be facing as I can.
Please support the Channel by Subscribing and sharing the links with anyone you feel would benefit.
Let’s share the love
Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here
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If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…
How to Manage Conflict at home
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You don’t own me… learn to spot the signs of Coercive and Controlling Behaviour
Now that we are beginning to talk about finding a way back to normal after isolation, many of us will be looking forward to getting out and about, being able to see family and friends etc. and returning to school or work.
Stop and think for a moment though…there may be some people who have welcomed the time apart from a significant other or are dreading the thought of seeing them again.
Spare a thought for victims of Coercive and Controlling behaviour…
In 2012, the UK Government added guidelines to their Domestic Violence definitions to include…
Unfortunately and perhaps shockingly in current times where we see young adults able to express themselves safely like never before, I see cases of Coercive and Controlling Behaviour within relationships all the time.
Also unfortunate and shocking is the fact that few young people, females in particular; even know what it is.
I see young people who’s partners are
- circulating indecent images of them
- shaming them on Social Media
- controlling access to their friends and family
- controlling their dress and image
To help young People understand what Coercive and Controlling Behaviour (a form of domestic violence) is, I’ve put together a case study below which is sadly a common story…
Emily is going out with Karl. They have been together 3 weeks. Emily’s best friend, Jaz doesn’t much like Karl. she thinks he is too controlling and has seen a change in Emily since she has been with him.
Emily tells Jaz that Karl loves her and only wants the best for her. Karl actually thinks that Jaz is controlling also. Emily and Jaz fall out.
Two weeks later, Karl shares indecent images of Emily on Social Media. When she confronts him, he says it’s because he is so proud of how beautiful she is and wants his friends to be jealous. He adds that she should never question him.
Karl has told Emily that she is not to wear makeup except when she is with him and he also controls what she can wear if she goes out without him. She rarely spends time away from him except for family functions.
People have started to notice that Emily spends a lot of time with Karl.
Emily tells herself that Karl treats her badly sometimes but overall he loves her. She has distanced herself from her friends and has no one to really talk to.
She doesn’t see anything wrong in Karl’s behaviour as he doesn’t hit her or hurt her.
THIS IS NOT OK! IT IS A FORM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!
My frustration is that many young adults, particularly girls, fall victim to this type of behaviour partly because they don’t understand that it is wrong.
The feelings we have, when we experience our first love are intense and we can find ourselves trapped in a bad relationship, hoping to feel those feelings again. Unfortunately, this rarely happens and those lovely feelings are often replaced by negative feelings and fear.
If you or someone you know may be affected, please seek help from someone you trust or contact a specialist organisation for more help…don’t suffer in silence, we all have a choice and a right to be happy!
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here
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If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…
How to Manage Conflict at home
How to Beat the Bully for Good!
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Introverts…Currently Saving the World!
Check out this beautiful article written by one of my clients about her experience of realising she was an Introvert…
Originally, I believed introverts were people who disliked socialising and were quiet or shy. Sarah explained to me that this definition was wrong, and together we worked out that I was actually an introvert.
As a person, I am often loud and outspoken around those I’m familiar with, as long as I do not feel vulnerable (such as discussing a topic I am not confident in understanding or one that I am sensitive about). I am always making plans in my head about ideas for days out, and I love being with my family and friends. This is what made me believe I was an extrovert.
My main understanding is that I have what I believe most people call a ‘social battery’. This means I can socialise just as an extrovert would, but up until a certain point.
For example, when I’m on a holiday, at some point I have to separate myself from my family, like staying in my room or sitting on a balcony. I don’t do this because I’m mad at them or fed up but purely because I just need some alone time.
It’s difficult to explain the feeling you get and I don’t know the reason why it happens, but I think it’s something a lot of people experience and is tricky to deal with if you don’t understand what’s happening. It can also be hard to explain my behaviour to people around me, like my Mum who doesn’t really understand why I’m not out with my friends every weekend, because she doesn’t experience that feeling.
I definitely have a very close circle of true friends, which I know is a characteristic of an introvert. Despite this, I also like to be on friendly terms with lots of people that I can spend small amounts of time with, like having a quick conversation within a corridor, getting lunch with or spending lessons with. However, I would never get personal with people I wasn’t extremely close with. At school during my breaks I would often avoid places like the common room because it would be too much, and usually went there when it was in my free periods and there were less people.
I often fake confidence when I meet new people. I do this because I want to seem like an approachable person, when I’d usually rather not be speaking to people I don’t find interesting or have a relationship with. I worked as a cafe assistant for a time and didn’t mind small talk with customers, but I would always try to work in the kitchen with people I knew well instead of out front where I’d have to interact with lots of customers.
Something I have noticed since gaining a better understanding of myself, is that there are certain people who I find it hard to get socially exhausted around. For example, my few very closest friends and my Mum, are people who I find it hard to need to take a break from. I may need to take a break from the social event we are at, but I find I can relax with them rather than on my own.
Understanding I am an introvert helps me to keep in control of my behaviour. I can now understand that certain things are too much for me, and it makes me feel better knowing that it’s not that I’m too lazy for a night out, it’s that this week I really don’t feel like being around strangers and I’d rather we stayed in. (And often my friends are on the same wavelength).
Quarantine has not really been affecting me like I see it affecting some people. I don’t feel a need to go out and don’t think I will do long as I can entertain myself. Although, I do miss my friends and family, and would say I am looking forward to it being over.
-Anon, Lichfield, Staffs, UK
Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here
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How to Manage Conflict at home
Managing conflict when we are all locked in the same house or even the same room can be, to say the least, challenging.
Check out my Top Tips for how to avoid committing murder…ahem I mean getting along with your loved ones!
We can refer to a business model here which has long been applied to leadership management. Since it utilises the human conflict management styles though, we can easily apply it and use some styles to help manage others.
Negative Styles
1. Competing with each other
Maybe for the first time, we are faced with personalities who are naturally competitive and find themselves without a conflict to fight.
So they make one!
Look for continuous and pointless arguments that don’t seem to achieve anything between two or more members of the household. you will more than likely have identified your competitors!
2. Avoiding conflict
I am guilty of this. I hate conflict especially within my family group and will avoid it at all costs. I’m that person who all of a sudden desperately needs the loo or has an important call to make when disagreements arise in my house.
3. Accomodating
Much like avoiding, this occurs when we accept and “give in” to the wants and needs of others for an easy life. It can leave the person doing the accommodating feeling rather resentful because they have not had their own needs met.
Positive Styles
We can use the more positive styles to try and bring our households together…
4. Collaboration
This is where everyone works together to try and come to an agreement. It uses the ideas of everyone and then everyone decides the best way forward. This can help everyone to feel that their needs and ideas have been heard
5. Comprimise
This is where everyone accepts that they have to give up a little bit of what they want to gain something. Again, if everyone is agreed on the compromises, they all feel like they are getting something out of it
The way forward…
Look at the ways in which your household is settling conflict at the moment and think about how you can incorporate some of the more effective ways of solving conflict…
- encourage competitive types to use their skills to come up with the best solution and present it to the group
- make sure that avoiding types and compromisers are happy with the decision by asking their opinion and allowing them time to put their ideas forward
- try presenting the conflict issue as if it were a problem to be solved at work or at school and give everyone a fair chance to try and solve the problem
- try fun ways to solve problems like taking it in turns to make decisions for 24 hours each and all others must follow them
If all else fails… remember a murder charge is for life, not just for Lockdown!
Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here
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Life will resume after this quick message…
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Loving Lockdown?
In my day job, I work with teenagers in schools as a counsellor. Recently, we have seen a change in the way everyone is interacting with their World!
School was cancelled, then exams were cancelled, life seems to have been temporarily cancelled!
So, what has happened?
One of the schools I work with was kind enough to keep my services for its students which of course meant we had to work in a different way. Facetime, video calling, and telephone catchups took the place of face to face working.
It all seemed a little strange at first, we awkwardly greeted each other and talked mostly about our strange circumstances.
But then something wonderful began to happen! It was a learning experience that I could not have anticipated. These teenagers adapted in the most amazing ways! Those of them who were more introverted, began to realise that they felt better for being away from the stressful atmosphere at school. Those who were more extraverted found ways to engage with friends and family and set up remote book clubs, quiz nights etc.
With the agreement of some of my young adults, I can share with you some of what they have been up to and how it feels to be in this strange World…
Bea Crawford is waiting to start college in September to study beauty and has started her own Instagram Page. She has also been to see her horses and check on them as they have been left out to graze to avoid social contact at the stables where they are kept. Here are some of her latest pics
What a talented young lady!! Bea is really making her time work out!
You can follow Bea on Instagram here
Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here
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How to Beat the Bully for Good!
Can I get an “Amen” up in here?
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How to Beat the Bully for Good!
Check out my 3 Bully Busting Facts and 3 Top Tips for beating the bully in your life…
With the recent rise in cases of Domestic disturbance, it highlights to us all that not everyone is having a fun time staying in.
Several terms are being used to talk about the behaviour that falls under the wider umbrella of “Bullying”.
It is worth saying at this point that if you feel threatened in any way please get help.
FACT 1 – The majority of bullies have very low self-worth
FACT 2 -The bully needs you more than you need them!
FACT 3 – YOU as the victim have the power
Bullies project their behaviour onto others to get a reaction and to help them feel better about themselves. This is not in any way a strategy to feel better about yourself and so the bully never feels any better.
A lot of bullies are repeating behaviour they have been exposed to in a strange way, they want you to feel as bad as them. this creates a need in them…YOU
Before your bully came into your life you were probably getting along quite happily and you will get along quite happily once they have left your life. So, you need to recognise your power and make a decision to stay in this stagnant relationship, or leave.
If you choose to put some Victim Va Va Voom in your life and leave your bully in the dust, here are my Top 5 Tips…
1. Get to know your bully
This doesn’t mean you have to try and be friends. What I’m talking about here is playing them at their own game. Your bully has been studying you to see where your weaknesses are. These may be to do with your appearance, life choices etc. You need to focus on them. I don’t mean become a stalker, just simple observations…trust me.
Ask yourself if they seem happy, do they seem anxious, does anyone else like them, who stands up to them?
The simple act of switching your attention onto studying them will cause some micro changes in your body language which will be noticed.
2. Try a different reaction
Remember, your bully will be used to seeing you avoid them, perhaps getting upset etc. so let’s shake things up a bit.
Depending on how brave you are feeling, you can try one of these two reactions…
Walk away from your bully but in your head, channel your favourite celebrity or a person you admire who would never stand for this abuse. Count to 100 before stopping or looking back. AND SMILE!
or
Don’t walk away, agree with everything they say whilst yawning and looking at your watch or phone. Ask them to let you know when they are done. They will probably get really angry at this point and direct more abuse at you so make sure you prepare for this and try and stay calm.
3. Look at yourself
Once you have dispatched your bully and have returned to your great life, you need to be really honest with yourself and look at some reasons why you may have become, and more importantly, stayed a victim. Once you can identify what happened, you will then be far more effective at ensuring you are never a victim again.
Just remember that bullies are only humans too, they have floors and they can be defeated but you hold the key to this.
If you would like to know more about the psychology behind this intricate and common relationship, click here and leave your email address to be the first to know when my interactive online course to beat bullies comes out soon.
Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here
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Which Wolf do you Feed?
As I hear the differing views of our World experience play out, I’m reminded of a very ancient Native American story that I recite often. it basically goes like so…
A young boy told his grandfather that he had repeatedly been visited by two Wolves in his dreams.
One Wolf was kind and gentle and gave him good advice, the other was scary and tried to take things from him and called him bad names.
“I want the kind Wolf to stay but the bad Wolf keeps coming too. How do I know which Wolf will stay and which Wolf will go?” asked the little boy.
His Grandfather pulled him onto his knee and said…
“The Wolf that stays is one you feed”
Which Wolf do you feed? The kind and loving one who is trying to help you grow, or the negative and cruel Wolf who only wants to make you feel unhappy?
Starve your cruel Wolf and let him go and feed your kind Wolf so he can stay as your companion.
Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here
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Anxiety – Preparation is Power! Top Tips
Anxiety – Top Tips for Instant relief
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