Advertisements

How an Extrovert helped an Introvert…

Yes, sometimes we can benefit from some help confronting a part of us that doesn’t work so well, and when we do, that’s when the magic happens!

 

pexels-photo-3822354
Photo by Elly Fairytale on Pexels.com

Recently, I had a conversation with my Daughter-in-Law-in-Waiting about my motivation and how it was sometimes my worst enemy when trying to bring projects to life.

I am an INFJwhich is a fairly obscure personality type as anyone who knows me will agree! She is an ESTJ. There is far more to it than she is an extrovert and I am an introvert. The four letters make a difference and the order in which they come make another difference again!

To keep things simple, we all have four functions which make up our “function stack” (the four letters). For the purposes of this article, I am looking at my weakest function and my Daughter-in-Law-in-Waiting’s strongest function.

My weakest function is something called “Extroverted Sensing”. When this is working well and when someone has it higher up their “stack”, it gives them the ability to simplify problems and take action, be playful but also realistic and; perhaps most importantly, stay present in a situation!

As this is my weakest function, I can pretty much say that I tend to act out the opposite of these positive functions. This gives me a problem when I am trying to bring to life the amazing ideas and possibilities that I conjure up in my Introverted Intuitive brain!

My Daughter-in-Law-in-Waiting’s strongest function is her Extroverted Thinking which suits her job as a project manager expertly well! She excels in bringing order to chaos and leading others to do so.

She told me that, at work, she has 3 project boards. The first is the “Ideas” board where thoughts, ideas and problems to be solved are added.

The second is the “Live Project” board, where ideas are accepted as worthy projects and are in the planning stage.

The final board is the “Completion” board. This is where projects go to be finished, they have a timeline and a full project management system in place. Deadlines are set here!

My Daughter-in-Law-in-Waiting told me that she feels I get stuck in the first two project boards and I rarely move to the “Completion” phase of a project! This was a light bulb moment for me!

I was able to engage my Introverted Intuitive mind and create a beautiful project board of my own! It’s colour coordinated (yes, yes, ok, I spent more time creating the project board than I should…I AM an INFJ guys!) and I love to look at it.

I  noticed two key things though…

  1. There weren’t as many pressing things to get completed as I thought
  2. I actually find myself a little less distracted (I said “a little less” come on, baby steps!) as I work towards the satisfying strike through to mark an action off my list

Happy Action planning to you all!

Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here

If you like what you see, please hit the “follow” button, or for non-WordPress peeps, click here to leave your email address for updates

Check out my clothing for Gorgeous People here

b64-ylc0w2_49828284_autoxauto

Please leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook and follow my books on Goodreads or Amazon

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

Introverts…Currently Saving the World!

Personality – It’s no Joke

#INFJ etc.

Please take a second to check out my book on Amazon now! It’s free to Amazon prime members!

 

 

 

Advertisements

Introverts…Currently Saving the World!

Check out this beautiful article written by one of my clients about her experience of realising she was an Introvert…

Int vs ext

Originally, I believed introverts were people who disliked socialising and were quiet or shy. Sarah explained to me that this definition was wrong, and together we worked out that I was actually an introvert.

As a person, I am often loud and outspoken around those I’m familiar with, as long as I do not feel vulnerable (such as discussing a topic I am not confident in understanding or one that I am sensitive about). I am always making plans in my head about ideas for days out, and I love being with my family and friends. This is what made me believe I was an extrovert.

My main understanding is that I have what I believe most people call a ‘social battery’. This means I can socialise just as an extrovert would, but up until a certain point.

For example, when I’m on a holiday, at some point I have to separate myself from my family, like staying in my room or sitting on a balcony. I don’t do this because I’m mad at them or fed up but purely because I just need some alone time.

It’s difficult to explain the feeling you get and I don’t know the reason why it happens, but I think it’s something a lot of people experience and is tricky to deal with if you don’t understand what’s happening. It can also be hard to explain my behaviour to people around me, like my Mum who doesn’t really understand why I’m not out with my friends every weekend, because she doesn’t experience that feeling.

I definitely have a very close circle of true friends, which I know is a characteristic of an introvert. Despite this, I also like to be on friendly terms with lots of people that I can spend small amounts of time with, like having a quick conversation within a corridor, getting lunch with or spending lessons with. However, I would never get personal with people I wasn’t extremely close with. At school during my breaks I would often avoid places like the common room because it would be too much, and usually went there when it was in my free periods and there were less people.

I often fake confidence when I meet new people. I do this because I want to seem like an approachable person, when I’d usually rather not be speaking to people I don’t find interesting or have a relationship with. I worked as a cafe assistant for a time and didn’t mind small talk with customers, but I would always try to work in the kitchen with people I knew well instead of out front where I’d have to interact with lots of customers.

Something I have noticed since gaining a better understanding of myself, is that there are certain people who I find it hard to get socially exhausted around. For example, my few very closest friends and my Mum, are people who I find it hard to need to take a break from. I may need to take a break from the social event we are at, but I find I can relax with them rather than on my own.

Understanding I am an introvert helps me to keep in control of my behaviour. I can now understand that certain things are too much for me, and it makes me feel better knowing that it’s not that I’m too lazy for a night out, it’s that this week I really don’t feel like being around strangers and I’d rather we stayed in. (And often my friends are on the same wavelength).

Quarantine has not really been affecting me like I see it affecting some people. I don’t feel a need to go out and don’t think I will do long as I can entertain myself. Although, I do miss my friends and family, and would say I am looking forward to it being over.

-Anon, Lichfield, Staffs, UK

Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here

If you like what you see, please hit the “follow” button, or for non-WordPress peeps, click here to leave your email address for updates

Check out my clothing for Gorgeous People here

Please leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook and follow my books on Goodreads or Amazon

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

 

Please take a second to check out my book on Amazon now! It’s free to Amazon prime members!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Second to None!

In this latest article in my personality series, we are going to inspect the second letter of your Four Letter personality type! If you still want to take the test you can do that here.

So the second letter will either be an “N” or an “S” and these letters are all about what we do with the information we get from the World.

N for iNtuitive

Intuitive types like to think about the past and the future to process information about what to do next. They prefer to ponder the “What ifs” of life. Intuitives tend to be Big Picture thinkers and will explore many differing theories before connecting the dots and coming to a conclusion.

pexels-photo-3858017
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that this means they are wishy washy in their thinking or find it difficult to make decisions. This is far from the truth.

It’s just that they think “around” things and integrate more factors into their thinking processes than Sensing types.

On the down side, Intuitives can struggle with more complex issues as they will often come to a conclusion very quickly and can appear to be out of touch or just generally confusing to others!

Where a situation requires drastic change, however, your Intuitive is your number one creative outside the box thinker!

S for Sensing

Conversely to the Intuitive type, the Sensor often has no regard for the past or present as they are clearly focused on the here and now. Sensors are able to think about the past and the future but only in regard to how it affects them in the “now”.

Sensors are practical and sensible people, keeping the focus on the job in hand. This makes them excellent “doers”

pexels-photo-416322
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Sensors can also be creative and imaginative when applying these traits to a job in hand.

Sensors need to watch their tendency to be overly practical in everything as they may miss an opportunity to create a smarter solution by avoiding over thinking.

If you want a job doing and doing well call on your sensor!

In conclusion, we are all fabulous! Intuitives and Sensors working together are a force to be reckoned with!

youth-active-jump-happy-40815
Photo by Jill Wellington on Pexels.com

Hopefully, if you have identified either of these two letters as your second letter, you will now be making some sense of your personality type!

Subscribe to my website to get articles as they are published! Next in the series “F” and “T”

Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here

If you like what you see, please hit the “follow” button, or for non WordPress peeps, insert your email address over on the right for article alerts.

Please leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook and follow my books on Goodreads or Amazon

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

First Letters First

Personality – It’s no Joke

The Ultimate Four Letter Word

#INFJ etc.

Please take a second to check out my book on Amazon now! It’s free to Amazon prime members!

Book cover

First Letters First

pexels-photo-1317547
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com

First of all, welcome and thank you for sharing your precious time with me! We are all as amazing and special as our super individual finger prints.

BUT – not totally…

Ok, if you’re reading on from my last article and you have taken the test, you should now have four letters which are your personality type.

Let’s take the easy route and start with the first letter…

You should have an E or an I

E = Extravert

I = Introvert

Here’s a really easy explanation  – Extraverts experience the World EXTernally i.e. outside of their head; and Introverts experience the World INTernally i.e. inside of their head

Int vs ext

At this stage, I feel duty-bound to stave off comments like…

“Introverts are shy”

“Extraverts are loud”

In our society we often mis-use these words and it can lead to a lot of confusion.

I personally am tired of having to remind my nearest and dearest that I am an Introvert as some of my other personality letters make me appear to be quite outgoing, gregarious and a bit of a diva!

My Sister on the other hand hates the bad press that Extraverts get around them being party animals, always up for anything etc. when she (an Extravert) loves nothing more than an evening on the sofa binge-watching a box set.

The difference being that if we both got a last minute invitation to a night out, she would be happy to go. I, on the other hand would start leafing through my “handy book of excuses”.

pexels-photo-3747517
Photo by Polina Zimmerman on Pexels.com

Starting to make sense?

Take a look at some of these definitions…

Actions Introvert Extravert
Meaning Prefers to remain isolated, or enjoys the company of a few close people Outgoing and enjoys being around and talking to lots of people
How others see them Self contained Gregarious
How they speak Think before speaking and sometimes struggle to say what they mean Make sense of things by speaking them
How they energise Recharge by solitude Recharge by social interactions
How they prefer to spend time Happy to spend more time alone Likes to spend more time with family and friends
Focus Inward Outward
How they deal with change Struggle more with change Accept change easily
How they communicate Will openly communicate with those they know and trust Will openly communicate about themselves with anyone
Concentration Can usually concentrate for long periods Get distracted easily

So – stand up and be proud of your FIRST LETTER

 

All the “I’s” say “I”

pexels-photo-3621589
Photo by Retha Ferguson on Pexels.com

All the “E’s” say “E”

pexels-photo-3696399
Photo by Harrison Haines on Pexels.com

Most important of all, both I’s and E’s are all part of the rich “WE”

Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here

If you like what you see, please hit the “follow” button, or for non WordPress peeps, insert your email address over on the right for article alerts.

Please leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook and follow my books on Goodreads or Amazon

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

Personality – It’s no Joke

#INFJ etc.

An Introvert’s Hell

Please take a second to check out my book on Amazon now! It’s free to Amazon prime members!

Book cover

 

Why doesn’t everyone feel anxious?

Have you ever wondered why you feel anxious?

Many people I counsel suffer with some form of anxiety. I often spend time explaining exactly what anxiety is which can be really helpful. Find out more here.

But are some of us pre-disposed to feel anxious? Could it possibly be something to do with our personality type?

pexels-photo-3132388
Photo by Andrew Neel on Pexels.com

I see a lot of anxious people and I find that most of them are Highly Sensitive People or Intuitive people. Although this is a great gift, it can also cause us much angst in a modern, hustle bustle World.

To find out more, click here

I am a Highly Sensitive Person and an Intuitive Personality Type so I have a double whammy!

Pros

  • creative
  • know when others aren’t feeling so good
  • able to see beyond what is in front of me

Cons

  • nervous disposition
  • often feel weird or misunderstood
  • struggle in busy environments

And many more on both sides! For now though, if some of this makes sense to you, subscribe to my blog as I’ll be exploring in more depth how we can harness our amazing personalities and how we can learn to understand ourselves and others much better.

If it doesn’t make sense to you and you feel like you may as well be reading this blog in another language, I encourage you to also stay tuned because what you will learn may well help you to see yourself and others in a totally different light!

And who doesn’t want to learn how to make relationships that little bit easier to navigate!

I encourage you to take this really quick personality test and a make a note of the 4 letters that make up your amazing personality. It’ll help more with the stuff I talk about later.

Good luck with your fabulous 4!

Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. find out more here.

If you like what you see here, please hit the “follow” button, leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook and follow my books on Goodreads or Amazon

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

#INFJ etc.

An Introvert’s Hell

And…Breathe

Please take a second to check out my book on Amazon now! It’s free to Amazon prime members!

 

 

When you know what you know…

When I first decided I wanted to write, I had a fantasy that I would write a book, get an Agent and a Publisher and enjoy a life of writing forever…

 

pexels-photo-3204087
Photo by Harrison Haines on Pexels.com

OK OK you can stop laughing now!

The reality is that writing a book is bloody hard work and publishing and promoting it is even harder!

I’ve long since given up on this idea but I’ve discovered something far more valuable in the process.

The small gains are so gratifying and exciting, I wonder whether I’d even really like the lazy author life. I’ve discovered that self publishing is not only fun, but I retain control!

Control of the book, control of the book cover, control of the pricing and control of the promotion.

After reading Firefly Magic by Lauren Sapala, I realised that I can do this and that the way my brain works, although it is different from many others, (read weird, kooky, crazy…you choose) is ok, and most of all EFFECTIVE.

After all, if Lauren can do it so can I!

So, here’s an excerpt from my book which will be free on Amazon this weekend! If you like the sound it, head on over and download a copy – don’t forget to leave a review if you can!

“Mia was a little girl with a big personality. Standing no more than shoulder height to my 4’11” she was tiny even for year 7.

Her father being mixed afro Caribbean and her mother white, Mia was mixed race. She sat before me, her milky brown skin and dark brown eyes set within an elfin face almost hidden by a shock of hair falling in ringlets to her waist. The ringlets were partially tamed by a small clip placed on top of her head. Mia sat on her hands, legs swinging as they didn’t reach the floor; and she rocked back and forth.

Mia had rather a pronounced tic in her right eye which I found distracting but in a strange way, also made her endearing. Mia rocked back and forth looking at me, her hands still firmly under her legs. She began to grimace in the way a small child would when they are getting angry. Her bottom jaw jutted out and her open lips revealed gritted teeth. Her eyes were now fixed and wide open, staring just past me. Was she about to have some sort of seizure? I felt myself becoming concerned, but I held my position as I felt there was more to come.

Sure enough, after a few seconds, Mia let out a loud, low “Grrrrrrr” and her head began to shake. Mia had now firmly fixed her pretty brown eyes on me and, as I looked, I saw it. Slowly, very slowly and starting at her eyes, Mia began to smile, an almost manic, mischievous smile. What was she trying to tell me? What did she need me to know or do? I held my position still further and the growl began to morph into a low-pitched demonic laugh. Her legs were now swinging in opposing directions and she threw her ringlets back and stared up at the ceiling, looking back at me periodically, I suspect, to check I was still watching her. This went on for about 2 or 3 minutes. The tiny demon in front of me was pulling out all the stops. I sensed she wanted me to intervene or try and stop her, but I didn’t, partly because I wanted to observe the behaviour but partly because I was fascinated by it. The more the performance went on, the more I began to like this girl.

When she stopped, Mia looked at me quizzically. Her head was cocked to the side like a puppy. The facial tic returned, the rocking subsided and the hands remained, as they had been all along, under her legs.

“I hate this school, I hate my Dad, and I hate everyone except my Mom! I want my Mom!”

Mia’s demeanour changed, her spine curved backwards into a C shape and her face was screwed up like a toddler who had been refused a new toy. She was frowning. I really had been subjected to a full show here.

Finally, I spoke. “Wow” I said. It sounds like you have lots of feelings about lots of things. You say you hate your Dad, and everyone and the school and you want your Mom?”

“I just want my Mom! I hate my Dad!””

 

Thank you for reading and please get your copy of the book here or by clicking the cover image

Book cover

 

An Introvert’s Hell

Last weekend I was involved in Introvert Hell!

close up creepy dark darkness
Photo by Toni Cuenca on Pexels.com

My Son’s girlfriend, Chloe; who I love dearly, was 21. Of course, I live in a family of Extroverts and I had known for some time that the festivities would be very extroverted in nature.

Chloe, like many people, has a split family and so there were various events to navigate. The first, a smaller affair, a Sunday lunch in a local restaurant, was enjoyable.

I was flanked by my Son and Husband who, although both extroverts, both know how to help me cope. My Son dutifully engages me in low key, but interesting conversation and we enjoy guessing the personality types of the other guests. A good majority of the guests at this event seemed a little more towards introverted and so all went well.

The second meal was a little busier, but members of our family had also been invited. It was a lovely event and Chloe opened her presents at the table which provided a welcome break from chit chat. I managed that one too!

Now, for the third and scariest event… Cue scary scream!!!

woman in black long sleeve dress screaming
Photo by Rene Asmussen on Pexels.com

The cocktail-drinking day out!

With karaoke!

Now all of you introverts may need to sit down for this one!

I need to explain first, that because I am an INFJ, I love people and I am often mis-interpreted by others as an extrovert. My best friend, Dawn still doesn’t believe me, but luckily, she just loves me for being me, whoever I am. And I love her for that.

I am not afraid to stand and deliver a speech in front of others.

I am not afraid to take the microphone and sing a karaoke song.

I am not afraid to join in a conversation.

But…

I hate noisy crowds.

I hate not knowing where I’m going or what time I will be home.

I hate standing around talking about, well, nothing.

Cue confusion and dismay from everyone else.

Cue my husband’s kiss of death comment – guaranteed to cause a row… “Just relax and try and enjoy yourself, you’ll get into it” I think I should get away with murder in a court of law following that comment!

To cope, I had to mentally split the day into hourly slots, making sure I was armed with train timetables for getting home. I also laid off the cocktails so I could drive home – escape guaranteed. I even indulged in photos! See uncomfortable photo below!

Angel Pic

I found a table to sit in every bar we visited, often alone while others stood at the bar chatting. I was comfortable in my static position, able to see coming and going and not stuck in the middle of a crowd. Thank god for phones so I didn’t look too out of place with my face in mine.

Then came the karaoke…place? I don’t know how else to describe a corridor of padded cells with excruciatingly loud music and even louder distorted microphones. In another dimension surely this would be a method of torture?

Another screaming rendition of Roy Orbison’s Pretty Woman anyone?

Luckily, I knew we only had a 2 hour slot so, again, I methodically split the time down and spent most of it hiding in the toilet or pretending to do something really important on my phone outside the padded cell.

I know most people reading this will be thinking “what is her problem?” or “how ungrateful” and that is because it is very difficult to explain to extroverts what a day like this is like for an introvert who is out of the introvert closet. I say this because there were a few other introverts in our party who were exhausting themselves by playing the extrovert game.

People often take it personally if I say no or duck out of an event early and this leaves me racked with guilt. “But you’d do it for me surely?” I try hard to be true to myself and my friends and family are gradually coming around, but it is still really difficult.

I will continue the struggle with the demon inside which is not my introversion but the guilt I feel for expressing it with others.

Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. To find our more about Sarah, please see below.

If you like what you see here, please hit the “follow” button, leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook and follow my books on Goodreads or Amazon

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

52 – 48% Do the Pumpkins have it?

Fear of Failure or Success?

It’s INFJ day!

Please take a second to check out my book on Amazon now! It’s free to Amazon prime members!

Book cover

Common Parenting Mistakes – The Interfering Parent

Before you read on, please know that all parents are amazing and all parents (with the very odd exception) do the job to the best of their abilities. At least that is what I have to tell myself every now and again!

Our parenting style will be a unique blend of our personality type, our upbringing and social factors; along with the personality of our little darlings. what could ever go wrong??

I have inserted a parenting mantra for you to repeat as often as you need to, it helps to say it in the mirror, or better still, video yourself saying it and play when needed!

Mantra of the Good Parent

“I am a good parent

I love {insert name of offspring} and {insert name of offspring} loves me

I want the best for {insert name of offspring} and I am capable of giving my very best

I respect myself

I respect {insert name of child offspring}

I accept our relationship is always changing

And this can be for the better

I am a good parent”

Now, you have prepared yourself to read on, parenting mistakes are almost always examples of parents overdoing a skill. In my field of work, there are no true mistakes, we talk about using a skill a little too much…

Today, we discuss the Interfering Parent

The Interfering Parent

“Leave me alone” is an all too often comment splurted or spat at us by our lovely offspring.

The interfering parent wants to know exactly what their child is doing every hour of the day. Who are they friends with? Who have they fallen out with? What are their teachers saying? These parents have to be involved with everything their child is doing.

selective focus photography of woman using smartphone beside bookshelf
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

The scariest comment I hear from young adults is “Me and Mom (or Dad) are literally the same person” Queue vomit gesture!

Is this you? What are you creating / suppressing in your child? Please be honest here…ok I’ll help you out

  • you are disabling the growth of autonomy (the sense of self)
  • you are creating a co-dependant relationship which will end badly – FOR YOU!
  • you could be encouraging your child to lie to you
  • you are disabling them from the best way of learning – making mistakes!
  • you are disabling their growth of resilience
  • you are using your own personal time badly when you could be having fun!

There are just a few to be going along with

Now, if you need to, repeat the Good Parent Mantra! Ok, deep breaths here.

As I mentioned earlier. If you are inclined to this style of parenting, it helps for you to realise which of the abundance of skills that you have, you are over-using. And here is the good news…

The Skill of Caring

Yes! you’re overdoing possibly the most precious parenting skill of all. You’ve fallen into a funk and it’s time to get out for the sake of both of you.

How?

First of all, take some time to think about what you get from interfering…from now on we’re going to say over-caring.

You may want to think about your own childhood. Were things similar? Maybe if they were, think about how you felt and how you would have preferred things to be. How did you find you were helped/hindered by this?

Were things totally different? Were your parents distant or absent?

You need to understand that you are “getting” something from over-caring. It is satisfying something within you which means that your over-use of skills is starting to have the negative effect of becoming all about you and not your child. This is the opposite of what you want.

So now it’s time to really dig deep and ask yourself what you get from “over-caring”?

Does it make you feel Safe? Loved? Wanted? Needed?

Obviously, this answer will be different for everyone so once you have identified what you get from over-caring, you can look at other areas of your life where you might get some level of satisfaction.

So, I challenge you to a social experiment! Try backing off from your precious offspring in one or two areas for a week.

Keep a journal and note down what you did differently and how things changed if at all.

The way in which your child re-acts could help you to realise what they are needing more of and, more importantly, what you can give less of. It may also make you face up to what you need more of and how you can give that to yourself.

If you like what you see here, please hit the “follow” button, leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

Happy Holidays???

Control -how to be in control of not being in control!

You’ve been Framed

Happy Holidays???

boy in brown hoodie carrying red backpack while walking on dirt road near tall trees
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Well, that’s it now! School is officially out for the summer as the amazing Alice cooper once said – apologies for the ear bug!!

As a school counsellor, my work does not always end when school ends. Increasingly, I find myself working with children who are making the scary transition from Primary School to High School and are, frankly, terrified!

You’re 10 or 11 years old. You’ve made it through your first school experience. You’ve made friends. You’ve established yourself as a big fish in a little pond…

Suddenly, you’re a very little fish in a very, very big pond! Despite your physical size, you are now very strictly at the bottom of the pile! Yikes!

In all fairness to you brilliant parents out there, you are probably more afraid than your little angels of what they are about to go through. After all, you’ve been there! You’ve been jostled along the corridor by giants with floppy hair and braces, or, you’ve been asked “what are you staring at?” by prickly girls whilst they try and hide their nails from teacher.

adult aged baby care
Photo by icon0.com on Pexels.com

In this, the first of a series of helping hacks for parents and their Year 6’s, I want to focus on you as a parent.

Here are some do’s

And. More importantly, some don’ts

Separate!

We all do this…

“When I was at school, this happened”… “When I was at school that happened”

“My Mum told me to do this”… “My Dad told me to do that”

You get the picture?

First of all, that was probably anywhere between 10 and 20 years ago and we all know (because our kids are always telling us!) how out of touch we are and how things have moved on and changed over the last few years in terms of social media mostly.

man wearing black and white formal suit jackets
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

You need to make a separation between yourself and your child. They are not you and you are not them.

You still have the precious and short-lived power of knowing your child better than they know themselves. Please use this superpower wisely.

Think about your child. As much as you probably want him or her to be a perfect mini me of you or your partner, they are not! And thank you to the Human Race, we are all different! This means that we all react differently. If you get this bit right, you could be on your way to being a slightly above average embarrassing parent!

Observe!

Take some time to observe how your child typically reacts to new things at home. Do they take a while to get their head around something or are they straight in at the deep end?

Does your child use anger or humour to help them through difficulty? Or do they retreat and want to be alone?

Believe it or not, their personality type will already be forming and, try as you might to impose your way of doing things on them, it will not work!

This is where your superpower of knowing your child will come into use. Please match it with a drastically under-used superpower which is to NOT use your own experience to dictate next steps.

Action!

Once you have the magic ingredients which are that you have truly managed to separate your own childhood from your child and you have carefully considered how they react to change, you are ready to weave your magic.

man leaning on wall while holding white ceramic cup
Photo by Ivandrei Pretorius on Pexels.com

Ok, it’s not quite as dramatic and certainly not as easy as that!

  1. Start by opening up a conversation with your child. This is best done over an activity which (if you’re really imaginative!!) could be linked to the topic of starting High School.

In any event, it’s much easier to get information out of children and young adults whilst they are engaging in an activity (trust me! And my 98 broken pens!!)

  1. You may even want to ask in the third person or ask about one of their friends and how they are feeling. The key here is to help them to open up about how they feel without judgement.

DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES TRY AND FIX THIS FOR THEM!!!!!

YOU ARE EITHER DIS-ABLING THEIR OWN SOLUTION-MAKING SKILLS OR AT RISK OF BECOMING TOO DEPENDENT ON THEIR WEAKNESSES

For more information, see my forthcoming blog on parenting mistakes

  1. Ensure that your child feels listened to, ask them if they want to write down some words or draw some pictures to show how they feel

Remember that this may bring out some negative behaviour as your child will be feeling anxious so be a little bit lenient. A good sentence may be… “I know you’re upset / angry / sad, but it’s not helpful if you throw things or shout at me. I understand so let’s talk some more about what is making you so upset / angry / sad”

  1. Once you have finished speaking to your child (try and keep discussions to little and often rather than a mammoth 30 minute interrogation), tell them that you have heard them and that you will talk again.

Walk Away!

Obviously not permanently, that’s just irresponsible! :-0

close up photo of woman s face
Photo by Ivandrei Pretorius on Pexels.com

Leave the conversation there. This may be the hardest part for you as a parent but you have 6 weeks to work this through. You can’t solve it, your child (with your support) will come through it stronger and more resilient.

And here’s the magical bit… most of that strength and resilience will come from knowing they can talk to you without judgement any time they need to.

Try this out and please let me know now you get on!

Look out for more in this series for parents and children and not forgetting you wonderful young adults out there! There will also be some handy titbits for you coming soon.

If you like what you see here, please hit the “follow” button, leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

Exams!! Argh!!

Control -how to be in control of not being in control!

You’ve been Framed

The Ultimate Four Letter Word

 

 

Why Introverts might love January

Phew, thank goodness that’s over for another year!!

man sitting on green chair near trees and mountain under blue sky at daytime
Photo by anna-m. weber on Pexels.com

I have an INFJ personality type.

It is said that I am the rarest personality type with less than 1% of “me’s” in the World population! I think that’s pretty cool but it does cause problems when I talk about my introversion to my amazing Extroverted friends and family.

If you want to know your type, take the test here

You see, I need to give you a little bit of geek info here for all of you personality type junkies. Although I possess introverted intuition which basically means I live my life in my head (it’s great there!), the “f” in my formation means that I also possess extroverted feelings. Again, to the laymen this means that I like to make people feel at ease and happy so I can appear extremely extroverted. I also morph into the situation I’m in.

For example, at parties, I will appear to be the life and soul but this is short lived as I quickly become exhausted and feel trapped in a World of small talk and exposure.

I can cope with it at work and as I have a job which requires me to be on the same wavelength with many different people, it works well. Also, I get to go home and veg for an hour to process my day and rest my tired brain,

You don’t have to have the same personality type as me to feel this way but many of you (almost 50% have an “I” formation don’t forget) will be identifying with some of what I’m saying.

alone bed bedroom blur
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Here are 5 signs you’re a strung-out introvert following Christmas…

  1. I feel tired all the time – mental tiredness is different from physical tiredness which we all feel at this time of year. Your brain just can’t seem to get into gear
  2. I feel upset or angry and I don’t know why – agitation with others is a sure sign that your introvert walls have been breached
  3. I feel as if everyone is getting to me – I will often describe this feeling as “fractured” like an eggshell that has been partially broken
  4. I want to be alone all the time – you’ve had enough “people time” you’ve been using your extroverted skills for the last few weeks and you’ve had enough
  5. I don’t feel like myself – you’re not serving the need inside of you to have quiet time. Often returning to work can be another stress, having to be around people and be your work persona

Luckily, there are things that you can do to help you through and soon you’ll be feeling your amazing quietly confident self again…

Own it!

Know that you are more introverted and accept that you actually need to be alone sometimes. This doesn’t mean disappearing on a Buddhist retreat for a month, it simply means accepting that it’s ok to feel as you do and understanding why.

Be Mindfully Alone

By this I mean take time to acknowledge that you are putting time aside to be alone. Even if it’s a walk, a run, a bath or shower; tell yourself “I’m taking this time for me” and enjoy it. You could even try notching up the amount of minutes you’ve taken throughout the day and indulgently look back on them at the end of the day.

Breathe

This is the best way to deal with, well, ANY situation. If you can find your breath and truly be with it, you’re onto a winner. First of all, look at the way you breathe. Stand in front of a mirror and take a deep breath in. Chances are your upper chest will rise and fall as you breathe…

WRONG!!

This is sadly the way too many of us breathe. We are only using our upper torso to breathe which means we’re missing out on essential yummy life giving oxygen.

Do a full BELLY BREATH try and bring the breath to the bottom of your belly so that it inflates when you breathe. If you don’t know what I mean, watch a baby or an animal breathe, they’re so much better at it!

adorable baby beanie bonnet
Photo by Bingo Theme on Pexels.com

Once you have the hang of this, breathe in fully for a count of 6, hold for a count of 6, breathe out for a count of 6 and hold for a count of 6.

Repeat this for around 1 and a half minutes. you’ll probably feel a bit dizzy (that’s the oxygen) but you’ll be energised and that’s another 1 and a half minutes just for you! you can do it anytime, anywhere.

Don’t be Afraid to say No

I’m rubbish at this, always have been –  and even now as I try an explain myself to my nearest an dearest I get blank looks. I choose to remember how much better I feel when I serve my self and my needs. I become the best version of me!

Hopefully, you will have found something to like about this blog. If, however, you’re reading it thinking “What is she talking about?” you’re probably one of the other amazing 50% of the World who are extroverts.

Extroverts! I salute you!

Introverts! I salute you!

Ambiverts! I salute you! (that’s a whole other story!)

Remember to be aware, but most of all, be kind, after all we are all needed to make the World go around.

If you like what you see here, please hit the “follow” button, leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

What just happened?

It’s INFJ day!

The Ultimate Four Letter Word

Why Introverts especially love a snow day – How Teenagers can survive school

%d bloggers like this: