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You don’t own me… learn to spot the signs of Coercive and Controlling Behaviour

Now that we are beginning to talk about finding a way back to normal after isolation, many of us will be looking forward to getting out and about, being able to see family and friends etc. and returning to school or work.

Stop and think for a moment though…there may be some people who have welcomed the time apart from a significant other or are dreading the thought of seeing them again.

Spare a thought for victims of Coercive and Controlling behaviour…

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In 2012, the UK Government added guidelines to their Domestic Violence definitions to include…

“Victims of “honour” violence or killings, e.g. Female Genital Mutilation, forced marriage etc. although this is not confined to a particular gender or ethnic group

Coercive Behaviour – an act or pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, intimidation or other abuse used to harm, punish or frighten the Victim.

Controlling Behaviour – a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them for capital gain, depriving them of means needed for independence, resistance or escape and regulating their every day behaviour”

Unfortunately and perhaps shockingly in current times where we see young adults able to express themselves safely like never before, I see cases of Coercive and Controlling Behaviour within relationships all the time.

Also unfortunate and shocking is the fact that few young people, females in particular; even know what it is.

I see young people who’s partners are

  • circulating indecent images of them
  • shaming them on Social Media
  • controlling access to their friends and family
  • controlling their dress and image

To help young People understand what Coercive and Controlling Behaviour (a form of domestic violence) is, I’ve put together a case study below which is sadly a common story…

Emily is going out with Karl. They have been together 3 weeks. Emily’s best friend, Jaz doesn’t much like Karl. she thinks he is too controlling and has seen a change in Emily since she has been with him.

Emily tells Jaz that Karl loves her and only wants the best for her. Karl actually thinks that Jaz is controlling also. Emily and Jaz fall out.

Two weeks later, Karl shares indecent images of Emily on Social Media. When she confronts him, he says it’s because he is so proud of how beautiful she is and wants his friends to be jealous. He adds that she should never question him.

Karl has told Emily that she is not to wear makeup except when she is with him and he also controls what she can wear if she goes out without him. She rarely spends time away from him except for family functions.

People have started to notice that Emily spends a lot of time with Karl.

Emily tells herself that Karl treats her badly sometimes but overall he loves her. She has distanced herself from her friends and has no one to really talk to.

She doesn’t see anything wrong in Karl’s behaviour as he doesn’t hit her or hurt her.

THIS IS NOT OK! IT IS A FORM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!

My frustration is that many young adults, particularly girls, fall victim to this type of behaviour partly because they don’t understand that it is wrong.

The feelings we have, when we experience our first love are intense and we can find ourselves trapped in a bad relationship, hoping to feel those feelings again. Unfortunately, this rarely happens and those lovely feelings are often replaced by negative feelings and fear.

If you or someone you know may be affected, please seek help from someone you trust or contact a specialist organisation for more help…don’t suffer in silence, we all have a choice and a right to be happy!

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help?gclid=CjwKCAjw4871BRAjEiwAbxXi2yNTCi6ZX77jS8u5tntqNNtOv2WgH9vFf1ygiu_FWT4-zRC_qqZ0JRoC2joQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds

https://www.everydayhealth.com/columns/voices-of-experience/how-you-can-help-someone-controlling-relationship/

Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here

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If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

How to Manage Conflict at home

How to Beat the Bully for Good!

Which Wolf do you Feed?

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How to Manage Conflict at home

Managing conflict when we are all locked in the same house or even the same room can be, to say the least, challenging.

Check out my Top Tips for how to avoid committing murder…ahem I mean getting along with your loved ones!

We can refer to a business model here which has long been applied to leadership management. Since it utilises the human conflict management styles though, we can easily apply it and use some styles to help manage others.

Negative Styles

1. Competing with each other

Maybe for the first time, we are faced with personalities who are naturally competitive and find themselves without a conflict to fight.

So they make one!

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Look for continuous and pointless arguments that don’t seem to achieve anything between two or more members of the household. you will more than likely have identified your competitors!

2. Avoiding conflict

I am guilty of this. I hate conflict especially within my family group and will avoid it at all costs. I’m that person who all of a sudden desperately needs the loo or has an important call to make when disagreements arise in my house.

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3. Accomodating

Much like avoiding, this occurs when we accept and “give in” to the wants and needs of others for an easy life. It can leave the person doing the accommodating feeling rather resentful because they have not had their own needs met.

Positive Styles

We can use the more positive styles to try and bring our households together…

4. Collaboration

This is where everyone works together to try and come to an agreement. It uses the ideas of everyone and then everyone decides the best way forward. This can help everyone to feel that their needs and ideas have been heard

5. Comprimise

This is where everyone accepts that they have to give up a little bit of what they want to gain something. Again, if everyone is agreed on the compromises, they all feel like they are getting something out of it

The way forward…

Look at the ways in which your household is settling conflict at the moment and think about how you can incorporate some of the more effective ways of solving conflict…

  • encourage competitive types to use their skills to come up with the best solution and present it to the group
  • make sure that avoiding types and compromisers are happy with the decision by asking their opinion and allowing them time to put their ideas forward
  • try presenting the conflict issue as if it were a problem to be solved at work or at school and give everyone a fair chance to try and solve the problem
  • try fun ways to solve problems like taking it in turns to make decisions for 24 hours each and all others must follow them

If all else fails… remember a murder charge is for life, not just for Lockdown!

Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here

If you like what you see, please hit the “follow” button, or for non WordPress peeps, click here to leave your email address for updates

Check out my clothing for Gorgeous People here

Please leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook and follow my books on Goodreads or Amazon

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

Loving Lockdown?

Which Wolf do you Feed?

Life will resume after this quick message…

Happy Holidays???

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How to Beat the Bully for Good!

Check out my 3 Bully Busting Facts and  3 Top Tips for beating the bully in your life…

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With the recent rise in cases of Domestic disturbance, it highlights to us all that not everyone is having a fun time staying in.

Several terms are being used to talk about the behaviour that falls under the wider umbrella of “Bullying”.

It is worth saying at this point that if you feel threatened in any way please get help.

FACT 1 – The majority of bullies have very low self-worth

FACT 2 -The bully needs you more than you need them!

FACT 3 – YOU as the victim have the power

Bullies project their behaviour onto others to get a reaction and to help them feel better about themselves. This is not in any way a strategy to feel better about yourself and so the bully never feels any better.

A lot of bullies are repeating behaviour they have been exposed to in a strange way, they want you to feel as bad as them. this creates a need in them…YOU

Before your bully came into your life you were probably getting along quite happily and you will get along quite happily once they have left your life. So, you need to recognise your power and make a decision to stay in this stagnant relationship, or leave.

If you choose to put some Victim Va Va Voom in your life and leave your bully in the dust, here are my Top 5 Tips…

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1. Get to know your bully

This doesn’t mean you have to try and be friends. What I’m talking about here is playing them at their own game. Your bully has been studying you to see where your weaknesses are. These may be to do with your appearance, life choices etc. You need to focus on them. I don’t mean become a stalker, just simple observations…trust me.

Ask yourself if they seem happy, do they seem anxious, does anyone else like them, who stands up to them?

The simple act of switching your attention onto studying them will cause some micro changes in your body language which will be noticed.

2. Try a different reaction

Remember, your bully will be used to seeing you avoid them, perhaps getting upset etc. so let’s shake things up a bit.

Depending on how brave you are feeling, you can try one of these two reactions…

Walk away from your bully but in your head, channel your favourite celebrity or a person you admire who would never stand for this abuse. Count to 100 before stopping or looking back. AND SMILE!

or

Don’t walk away, agree with everything they say whilst yawning and looking at your watch or phone. Ask them to let you know when they are done. They will probably get really angry at this point and direct more abuse at you so make sure you prepare for this and try and stay calm.

3. Look at yourself

Once you have dispatched your bully and have returned to your great life, you need to be really honest with yourself and look at some reasons why you may have become, and more importantly, stayed a victim. Once you can identify what happened, you will then be far more effective at ensuring you are never a victim again.

Just remember that bullies are only humans too, they have floors and they can be defeated but you hold the key to this.

If you would like to know more about the psychology behind this intricate and common relationship, click here and leave your email address to be the first to know when my interactive online course to beat bullies comes out soon.

Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here

If you like what you see, please hit the “follow” button, or for non WordPress peeps, click here to leave your email address for updates

Please leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook and follow my books on Goodreads or Amazon

Or check out my personalised clothing line here

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

Which Wolf do you Feed?

Anxiety – Why do I feel it?

Articles from Sarah

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Which Wolf do you Feed?

Wolf

As I hear the differing views of our World experience play out, I’m reminded of a very ancient Native American story that I recite often. it basically goes like so…

A young boy told his grandfather that he had repeatedly been visited by two Wolves in his dreams.

One Wolf was kind and gentle and gave him good advice, the other was scary and tried to take things from him and called him bad names.

“I want the kind Wolf to stay but the bad Wolf keeps coming too. How do I know which Wolf will stay and which Wolf will go?” asked the little boy.

His Grandfather pulled him onto his knee and said…

“The Wolf that stays is one you feed”

Which Wolf do you feed? The kind and loving one who is trying to help you grow, or the negative and cruel Wolf who only wants to make you feel unhappy?

Starve your cruel Wolf and let him go and feed your kind Wolf so he can stay as your companion.

Sarah Terry is a School Counsellor and Author who works in Central England. Her interests include Counselling and Psychology, Personality Types, Jogging and Yoga and Meditation. Find out more here

If you like what you see, please hit the “follow” button, or for non WordPress peeps, insert your email address over on the right for article alerts.

Please leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook and follow my books on Goodreads or Amazon

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

Anxiety – Why do I feel it?

Anxiety – Preparation is Power! Top Tips

Anxiety – Top Tips for Instant relief

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A FREE Gift from me to you

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In the spirit of Valentine’s weekend and to share the LOVE…

I’m excited to reveal that my book will be free on Amazon this weekend!!

All orders on Saturday 15th and Sunday 16th February will be FREE!

It talks about some of the amazing young adults I have worked with and graphically takes the reader on their amazing journeys.

What are you waiting for – get on over an order your free copy on Saturday. Click here or on the book cover to order

 

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Thank you and if you are interested in what I’m doing, you can follow me on Twitter too!

Recent posts…

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Abuse -the soft signs

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Abuse – what is it and how do we deal with it?

Anyone who has been watching the news this week may have heard the term “Coercive Control”

Coercive Control falls under new legislation which makes it illegal for your partner to abuse you using softer tactics than physical abuse.

The new behaviours which are covered by the law are…

When your partner

  1. Shares indecent images of you
  2. Restricts or denies your access to money
  3. Stops you seeing family and friends
  4. Scares you
  5. Threatens to reveal private things about you
  6. Places tracking devices on your phone
  7. Puts you down
  8. Acts with extreme jealousy
  9. Forces you to obey their rules
  10. Controls what you wear
  11. Makes you do things you don’t want to do

On their own and even if we think of just a few of these things, we may dismiss them as nothing to worry about or we may make excuses for our partner saying that they have issues which means they are a bit controlling but it’s fine we can handle it.

The thing to remember about this type of behaviour is that it is the same as bullying. All bullies need a victim and once they have found the victim, they steadily increase their control over them. The relationship falls into a pattern and before we know it, things have gone too far.

Figures show that 9 out of 10 women who were murdered last year were murdered by someone they knew. A shocking 85% of women were killed in their own homes.

Of course, domestic abuse does not only affect women in heterosexual relationships, it affects men and women in any type of relationship and can devastate lives.

In my job as a counsellor working with young adults, I often come across behaviours which fall into the above categories. I feel it is important to look at how people arrive in these relationships.

It’s easy and nice to have someone care so much about you that they want to do things for you, they may even defend sharing images of you on social media by saying you are beautiful or hunky and they want everyone to see that. But this is not OK!

I am not an expert in this field so if you are reading this and you are in the least bit worried about yourself or someone you know, PLEASE visit the Domestic Abuse Hotline for help and information for victims or for friends and families of victims.

PARENTS – Don’t think this only happens to adults!!!! Please talk to your young adults and help them to understand the definitions of abuse as early as possible so that they can recognise these behaviours sooner. Check out this powerful video…

https://www.nda.services/control

Also, if you are putting up with an abusive relationship because of your children, you are putting yourself and them in danger.

There is help out there, it only needs to be a click away

If you like what you see here, please hit the “follow” button, leave me a comment below or contact me directly.

You can also see what I’m up to on Twitter and Facebook

If you liked this article, here are some more you might be interested in…

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Divorce – what to tell the kids

 

 

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